


i recall our downfall

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional abuse (but not really Alex just thinks he's an abuser), Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, Unresolved Angst, Writing Prompt, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:43:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7140707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"John," Alexander whispered, almost disbelieving. "You're home." He didn't speak, only stared at his (ex)boyfriend. "Oh yeah," Alexander muttered, deflating and sinking back into the couch. "You must be getting your things."</p><p>"There's blood on your hands."<br/>---<br/>Written for the prompt 'there's blood on my/your hands'</p>
            </blockquote>





	i recall our downfall

**Author's Note:**

> This exists because of my friend patrickstumpslonglosthand on tumblr blame her.

There was nothing like summer in the city. Boys in love chasing after one another like dogs after their tails. Or in the case of a young Alexander Hamilton, chasing off.

He hadn't meant to, in all honestly. He'd just kind of snapped at John and John snapped back and now he was lying in a heap on their couch, wild emotions temporarily sated. But it wouldn't last long. Because he was alone and he'd made John leave- not for the first time the past few months- and he probably wasn't coming back this time.

He had just decided to sleep to avoid dealing with his life when he heard a key in the lock. He sat bolt upright and watched with eyes wide as John walked through the door, looking exhausted and broken.

"John," Alexander whispered, almost disbelieving. "You're home." He didn't speak, only stared at his (ex)boyfriend. "Oh yeah," Alexander muttered, deflating and sinking back into the couch. "You must be getting your things."

"There's blood on your hands." Alexander had anticipated something snarky- furious even- in response. He'd thought extensively over what John may say when and if he returned and never once had that phrase popped into his head.

"Hurry up. I'm sure you don't want to be here longer than you need to be," Alexander said, ignoring the other mans statement and shoving his hands under his thighs, biting his tongue to avoid a hiss of pain. 

"I'm not here for my things!" John shouted, looking guilty when Alex flinched. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice." He walked toward the other man snd knelt before him, pulling his hands from beneath his thighs and holding them in his own. "I'm here for you, Alexander. Now, what happened?"

He hid his face, which was no difficult task considering his sheer abundance of hair. "You know what happened John. Please don't make me say it."

The other man pursed his lips but nodded. "Did you clean up?" Alexander nodded. "Are you lying?" A pause. Then another nod.

John sighed heavily before crawling up onto the couch beside his boyfriend and pulling him into his lap. "We don't have to clean them right now, but you have to clean up before bed, okay? Now, can we talk about what happened?" His voice was surprisingly gentle as he spoke, carding his hands through the other mans hair and pressing a chaste kiss to the place where neck and shoulder met.

"I made you leave. I'm abusive and disgusting and you need to leave. Why did you come back?" Alexander squirmed uncomfortably under John's gentle touches. He didn't understand it. Didn't understand why he was being patient and gentle and loving. He should be hitting him and screaming, or at the very least ignoring him as he gathered his things. He didn't deserve John's forgiveness or affection.

"Babe, stop thinking like that," John said, gentle but firm. "You aren't abusive, you're just convincing yourself that you are. Do you need me to stop touching you?" John asked quickly, noticing how uncomfortable his boyfriend looked. He couldn't help but let out a tiny relieved breath when Alex shook his head after a pause.

"Why did you go?" Alex despised how small and broken he sounded.

"I wish I knew." And when John spoke Alexander's heart positively shattered . He truly saw what he'd done to the other man for the first time. He sounded tired and hopeless and as if he positively despised himself. And it was Alex's fault.

He twisted around so he was facing his boyfriend, blinking away tears as he clasped his hands behind his neck and pulled him into a kiss. As John gasped slightly in shock and Alexander deepened the kiss he made a promise to himself. He wouldn't do this to John any longer. He wouldn't show symptoms, wouldn't drag his love into this hell with him.

"What was that for?" John asked with a small smile after breaking the kiss.

"Coming back," Alex replied simply, burying his face in his boyfriends shoulder to hide the tears in his eye.

They lay like that for a long time, pretending they were normal. Pretending they wouldn't have to clean the cuts covering Alexander's thighs and torso when they got up. Alexander pretending he couldn't smell the alcohol on his boyfriend or tell they were both getting worse. John pretending he couldn't feel the tears soaking through his shirt and that there wasn't blood on the other mans hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Hoooo boy I hope you liked that. Comment and tell me what you think mayhaps? If you want more sufferverse pls let me know.


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